Three Years

Three years.

1,095 sleeps without you.

It seems like so much has happened since Rohen left us, like so much time has passed yet I remember details vividly like it is currently happening to me.

December 27th, 2013 was supposed to be a day that I got to hear my sweet boys heart beating and complete all the FMLA paperwork required to take maternity leave at work. We anxiously waited in our OBYNs office until our names were called. I always had a level of anxiety when I went to appointments because we had just learned a few weeks prior that something might be wrong with our sweet boy, that his growth was not where it should be for his gestational age. He was considered IUGR and measured less then the 1st percentile for growth. Dr. Brass chit chats with us for a few minutes and brings out the Fetal Doppler to listen to his heart. My anxiety started to ease because I knew I was seconds away from hearing the glorious noise that was his heart. As I laid there, with my stomach covered in cold gel while she searched for that beautiful sound, my heart began beating out of my chest. Why hadn’t she found his heart beat yet? It’s been 3 minutes already, something is wrong. Devan asks, is something wrong? Dr. Brass replies, she is unable to find Rohen’s heart beat and that we will need to head to our Perinatlogist’s office for an ultra sound. “These kinds of things can happen, he may be hiding, head to see Dr. Russel now, I’ll let her know you’re on your  way”. As much as I appreciate Dr. Brass’ positive response her face told a different story. Time seemed to stop at this point, we had to get in our car and drive 9 miles to the Perinatologists office, about a 15/20 minute drive. 15/20 minutes filled with the loudest silence I’ve ever experienced, while thinking in my head “this can’t be happening, my baby is not dead”. 

We arrive to see Dr. Russel, as we walk in we weren’t greeted by the normal friendly faces, but by hidden sadness. Light music plays in the background of the waiting room as Devan and I sit down to be called back. Dr. Russel informs us that she is waiting for her sonographer to get back from lunch and we will be brought back immediately following.  Minutes later she comes back herself and tells us she will take a look so we don’t have to wait anymore.

We head back to the room to get an ultra sound – I can still smell the way the office smells and hear the music playing in the background. These rooms are typically happy rooms, they have large flat screen TVs so parents can enjoy images of their child while the sonographer takes measurements. Up until this point, every moment in this room was followed by pure joy. I would look to the screen and see my sweet boy dancing in my belly waiting to come out and be loved by me. This time was different though, the gel was placed on my stomach and everything stopped. I looked to the screen and saw a lifeless body. Dr. Russel looked at me and said “I’m so sorry”. Uncontrollable tears are now rolling down my face, Dr. Russel explains she needs to take more measurements and turns the tv off. 

Once she completed the ultra sound she let me know she was going to call the hospital and that we were to head over immediately to induce labor. While she was gone, Devan and I had to call our families. I never want to make a phone call like that EVER again.

We arrived at the hospital registration desk. The paper lists “fetal demise” under my reason for visit. I looked at those words and it was almost as if it were a reminder of why I was there. “Oh yeah” I thought, my son died. It was as if I were having an out of body experience and had to keep reminding myself I was in this situation right now and there wasn’t a goddamn thing I could do about it.

We were taken to our room pretty quickly, but they put us in a special “your baby died so we’re going to separate you from everyone else” room. I appreciated this; now we didn’t have to hear the cries of newborn babies or see new moms with their beautiful 8lb peach bundles of joy as they leave to start their life with their new child. I was given a drug called cytotec to induce labor, the drug was administered directly into my cervix and was horribly painful. I was in labor for over 24 hours, while continuing my out of body experience as visitors came in and out. Every time I woke up my face would be wet from tears, I was so struck with grief that the tears didn’t even stop while I slept. 

At 6:53pm on December 28th 2013, at just 20 weeks, my sweet beautiful little boy entered this world sleeping. He was 4.2oz and 7.5 inches long. His beautiful face, his smell, his perfect tiny body will be with me forever.
💙I miss and love you Rohen💙